— The Journals of Sylvia Plath
For the better part of the past five years since leaving the Jehovah's Witnesses, I have conducted my life as a great social experiment. Digging through all of my belief systems, and abandoning most, I was open to exploring life with a deep curiosity and willingness to try new things and have new experiences.
And I have enjoyed this exploration. Much as a scientist enjoys looking through the microscope, I have delighted to watch myself explore this life. But you cannot continually be both the observer and the observed. It is a great thing to dive into when you need some perspective, but it's no way to live life from moment-to-moment. At some point, one must jump back into inhabiting the human experience fully and be content with that human experience as it is, however limited and finite it may be. I cannot be everything in this life, or everyone. I cannot live every possibility. There are choices to make, paths to choose.
I have had one recurring dream for the past five years. In my dream I am a bird circling the earth, but I cannot find a place to land. I fly and fly and fly, but to no avail; there is nowhere for me to stop and find rest.
This has been my life for the past five years; I, the bird, circling above my own experience, watching, observing, taking it all in. I have been freed to fly by means of letting go of what I no longer needed and I have flown well. But now, it is time to find a place to land. It is time to choose a path and a set of beliefs to govern my life, an operating system if you will. It is time to find my place on this earth.
I knew this moment would come. I feared it for a long time. But now, I am excited to choose for my life. This life is mine. Really mine. And although I cannot do everything I want, I can do anything I want. And that is enough.