Here are the developmental milestones for a typical five-year-old:
Motor Development: Gross Motor Skills
Runs in an adult manner. I don't run; like a dignified adult, I saunter.
Walks on tiptoe, broad jumps. I tiptoe in heels and broad jump over potholes. Yup, looks like I'm on track.
Walks on a balance beam. Well, there was that time I got really drunk and had to walk a straight line for an officer of the law, but I digress.
Skates and jumps rope. At the same time?
Motor Development: Fine Motor Skills
Hand preference is established. Well, I do prefer my right hand, but if it gets tired, I'm more than capable of using my left.
Laces (but cannot tie) shoes. Sounds about right.
Grasps pencil like an adult. Hmm..."like an adult"...ya mean with a look of intensity and ferocity that makes everyone around me shrink back in fear? Check.
Colors within lines. I see no lines.
Cuts and pastes simple shapes. Onto the foreheads of my passed out, inebriated friends? Check.
Language and Thinking Development
Speaks fluently; correctly uses plurals, pronouns, tenses. Fluent? Yes. Using the language correctly? That is still to be determined.
Very interested in words and language; seeks knowledge. Remember those 40 books I read last year? Nuff said.
Understands and names opposites. Love/hate. Heaven/hell. Sarah Palin/Anyone in their right mind. Yup. Got it.
Uses complex language. The serendipitous occurrences of my melancholy life betray a chaos that would make the gods blush.
Still confuses fantasy and reality at times. At times?
Thinking is still naïve; doesn't use adult logic. I still believe in love.
Social and Emotional Development
Distinguishes right from wrong, honest from dishonest, but does not recognize intent. Well, I recognize intent but damn if I understand it.
Plays make-believe and dresses up. I do like a little role-play.
Mimics adults and seeks praise. I only mimic the cool ones. Seeks praise? No damn way.
Seeks to play rather than be alone; friends are important. I love to play. The more, the
Plays with both boys and girls but prefers the same sex. Umm...well...
Wants to conform; may criticize those who do not. Me no want to conform. And shit, I'll praise you for not conforming. Epic fail on this one.
And there it is, proof that I'm not just getting older but developing just the way nature intended.