Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Absurd...

I haven't been writing much lately. Not on this blog. Not anywhere. Everything has taken on such an absurd tinge. I go to write something and this odd smile comes across my face. There is this feeling that it's all been said, it's all been done, it's all been experienced time and time again. There really is nothing new under the sun. And I'm not sure where to put that or what to do with that feeling. So, I'm just being with it as it is.

I stand back from my life, watching. I see myself as this character in a movie. I am still her, but not her. I am living her life, but not living her life. I am here, but not here.

I spend more time deleting than I do creating these days. It seems I have become bored by my own story, by my own existence even. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal. For the first time in my life, I do not crave death. Instead, it feels as if I'm dead already, as if all the tools I've used to define myself, all the experiences, all of the story is no longer relevant. And yet, I still feel the love and joy and grief associated with this life's story. I am still present to it, aware of it in all of its intensity, more so even. But the absurdity of it all, the bittersweetness of it all is ever present, always lingering to remind me that consciousness is the greatest gift and the greatest curse that humans possess.

tall penguin

3 comments:

Jonathan Mendelsohn said...

It is the quality of honesty in these posts. That's what's so good. Ie. you give good blog.

Umlud said...

I was wondering what was going on with you. But just because "every thing's been done before", does it mean that it isn't something to be done?

I'm not saying to get stuck in a rut, but remember that even the every-day has-been-done-for-millions-of-years joy of pulmonary respiration (aka, breathing) is something that has been done before (quite literally), and yet is also something in which we can all gain enjoyment from. From yogic meditative breathing to (even) gasping for life-breath after a period of asphyxia, the breath is a center. And has so been done before already.

What I suppose that I'm driving towards is that everything that has been done before brings about those things that have yet to be done. Therefore, reveling in the familiar can be seen merely as an enjoyable preface to the unique.

Hoping you feel better at the end of all of this.

Ganga Fondan said...

Yes I hear you Tall Penguin and then comes that scene in the movie where Neo meets his nemisis, Mr. Smith.

Press "play".

Hugs, my writer friend.