I wake up every day feeling like my brain has been wiped clean in a really fundamental way. I remember how to do all the basic life-maintaining stuff, but I don't know why I'm doing it. Even if I've gone to bed feeling relatively okay with my place in the world, I awaken with this sense that I'm starting from scratch, that today is new, but not in the "Wahoo! It's another day!" kinda new. No, it's more like, "Who am I? And what do I do now?" kinda new.
It's like going to sleep erases any sense of self I had. It's as though I forget why it is that I get up every day and live my life. Perhaps this is not that uncommon. I don't know unless you tell me that you've felt the same way. Perhaps you notice it and can quickly put it to the side, grab your coffee and move into your daily routine. I wish I could do that. I really do. But I can't. And I don't know why. Sure, the docs have their explanations--brain chemistry issues, sleep disorders, a lifetime of stress and various traumas...blah, blah, blah. But it's more than that. It's like some brains are wired for living life and mine is wired for endless contemplation and wondering.
I've spoken before about my mind's tendency to obsessively (yet, not compulsively) count, perform math operations and do shorthand. This has been a default setting in my brain for at least the past 15 years. I think it was my way of giving my brain something to do so it would stop badgering me with existential meanderings, like giving a dog a bone so it doesn't chew up your couch. But it doesn't work. It helps, but it doesn't solve anything. There doesn't seem to be any easy solution to these existential perturbations. I've done the meditation thang, the meds thang, the psychotherapy thang and still, this daily sense of futility and deep feeling of nothingness remains.
I think too much. It's tiring. Bleh.