Sunday, September 13, 2009

Right here, right now...

In my post LOA, I wrote about discontinuing a pharmaceutical protocol after only a week, an intervention I had begun to halt a growing hypomania before it became my first full-blown manic episode.  I had convinced my psychiatrist to give me some time on my leave of absence to see what I could do about regulating my own sleep cycles and bringing myself back to some kind of even keel. Well, that lasted about a week.  I realized what a huge undertaking this would be.  I had a decision to make.  I thought about it a lot.  Sat with it even more.  And came to the conclusion that...life is short...and I don't want to give any more time to suffering. So, I'm back on the meds.  

Since I first developed sleep issues, anxiety issues and depression issues back in my early teens, I have fought quite hard to overcome these things.  I thought that I could one day return to some kind of "baseline".  That if I just worked hard enough, reduced my stressors, learned to control my thoughts better, I could change my brain entirely.  And I have done amazing things over the years, lessening both the severity and reoccurrence of these issues.  As you've watched play out on this blog, I have been able to bring myself much healing by questioning my beliefs and mind stories and by learning how to live in the present moment.  But I realized that there is no baseline to return to.  Life goes on.  It shifts. Chemistry shifts. Stressors come and go. And while I am hopeful that at some point in our human evolution we will be able to alter our neurochemistry at will, I have no desire to spend the next forty years of my life suffering, trying to force that evolutionary leap.  As my dear friend James said to me, "Don't make suffering your god."  

And so, I'm feeling much relieved.  And who knows, maybe by taking the pressure off myself, things will happen in my three pound universe that surprise me.  Regardless, I am living my life and enjoying it for what it is...the journey into what is, right here, right now.  Life is good.

tall penguin

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