Sunday, August 23, 2009


In my post Cosmopolitan, I spoke of heading into a pharmaceutical intervention to halt what may have ended up in my first experience with a full-blown manic episode.  I started into the drug protocol and decided that it's not what I want to do right now.  What I really want is time and space for me.  So, I'm taking a leave of absence from my bookstore job.

I now have an outside income that will support me (albeit meagerly) for at least the next two years.  I am going to use that time for...not sure really.  Whatever I feel I want or need to do. Or want or need to be.  Or nothing at all. 

So, I and my psychiatrist have agreed to give me some time to be with where I'm at, to take a crack at re-setting my sleep clock and generally just enjoy life as it is, without any external schedule.  I had to make a contract with her that if I felt wonky in any way (beyond the normal wonky that is) I would get myself in to see her or head to a hospital.  I agreed.  I also have the support of my close friends and brother who will monitor me for any extreme changes in behavior, mood, etc.  

My intention is just to follow the experiment that is my life right now.  To be with it all.  This may be the best thing I've ever done or the stupidest.  But every choice in life, the ones worth making anyhow, can fall on either side of that fence.  You never know until you know.

tall penguin


CyberLizard said...

It's great that you've got the opportunity to support yourself without having to go through the daily grind of employment. I sometimes think that I would need a lot less help if I didn't have to participate in the rat-race. Then again, I probably wouldn't need meds at all if I could sit in a monastery on a zafu and meditate all day. But then I wouldn't have all the fun I do on teh intertubes!

tall penguin said...

Yes, I'm coming to realize that a lot of the medication I've taken over the years was to help keep me going in the daily grind of life. That is the reality we live in. And when I'm ready to rejoin that reality, I may very well have to revisit the meds thing.

But for now, I just want to be with my mind and body and get to know it intimately like a new lover. I want to have some kind of "baseline", or as a friend put it, "come to know your edges". I want to know what I realistically can and cannot do within my own psyche in this life. And what choices I can make with that knowledge.

I'm looking forward to this exploration.