Monday, July 27, 2009

Anam Cara

Working in a bookstore, I have a vast library at my disposal. Often, I will take any book off the shelf and randomly open it to a page and begin reading. Some time ago, I stumbled upon the book Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom by John O'Donohue. The passage I read struck me with its beautiful metaphor for love and friendship and I vowed that I would read the book one day. As 'way leads on to way', it's been over a year since I have been able to get back to the book. I am making my way through it now. And wow. What a beautiful gift this book is.

Anam Cara means 'soul friend' in the Celtic world. According to O'Donohue:

"It originally referred to someone to whom you confessed, revealing the hidden intimacies of your life. With the anam cara you could share your innermost self, your mind and your heart."

It is a rare to thing to find an anam cara. The book speaks of finding such a friend as an act of "ancient recognition". This is the passage I stumbled upon originally which drew me back to reading the book in full. It is a beautiful, poetic image of the finding of love within friendship, and friendship within love.

"When you find the person you love, an act of ancient recognition brings you together. It is as if millions of years before the silence of nature broke, your lover's clay and your clay lay side by side. then in the turning of the seasons, your one clay divided and separated. you began to rise as distinct clay forms, each housing a different individuality and destiny. Without even knowing it, your secret memory mourned your loss of each other. While clay selves wandered for thousands of years through the universe, your longing for each other never faded. This metaphor helps explain how in the moment of friendship two souls suddenly recognize each other. It could be a meeting on the street, or at a party or a lecture, or just a simple, banal introduction, then suddenly there is a flash of recognition and the embers of kinship glow. There is an awakening between you, a sense of ancient knowing."

I am filled with love today as I reflect on the anam cara who have crossed my path in this life. I have been very blessed to meet those rare few with whom I shared the clay before time began. And yes, there is that spark of recognition, that ancient knowing. It is a wonder to behold. It is one of the great mysteries of life. A mystery I will clothe myself in for the rest of my days.

tall penguin

Some things last...

I Don't Want To Get Over You
by The Magnetic Fields (lyrics by Stephin Merritt)

I don't want to get over you.
I guess I could take a sleeping pill and sleep at will
And not have to go through what I go through.
I guess I should take Prozac, right,
And just smile all night at somebody new,
Somebody not too bright but sweet and kind
Who would try to get you off my mind.
I could leave this agony behind
Which is just what I'd do if I wanted to,
But I don't want to get over you

Cause I don't want to get over love.
I could listen to my therapist,
Pretend you don't exist
And not have to dream of what I dream of;
I could listen to all my friends and go out again and pretend it's enough,
Or I could make a career of being blue
I could dress in black and read Camus,
Smoke clove cigarettes and drink vermouth
Like I was 17
That would be a scream
But I don't want to get over you.

Friday, July 17, 2009


"If I were to begin life again,
I should want it just as it was,
only I would open my eyes a little more."
~~ Jules Renard

So, there's been some shifts happening in my life. Aren't there always? For the past two and a bit years of writing this blog, I've wanted an audience for my life. I dare say I even needed one. With all the major changes I experienced post-Jehovah's Witness and post-boyfriend, I needed a forum to share my defeats and my triumphs. Mostly though, I needed somewhere to document my journey and get all of the stuff that goes on in my head out of my head.

Now, things feel different. I'm enjoying having my journey be more private. I walk around most days with a Mona Lisa smile; I have a secret life. Not the kind of secrets I used to keep, those of shame and fear, but ones of joy and bliss and knowing. There are things unfolding in my awareness, in my life, that I cannot put words to even if I wanted to. There are things that make sense only to me, because I know where I've been and I know who I am and I know where I'm going. Serendipitous, beautiful, epiphanous moments are occuring at a rate that makes my head spin at times. And I'm loving every minute of it. Sure, there are moments where I lose my footing, but then I find my ground and move forward once more. And I am doing it myself. I am finding a strength in my soul that is surprising and yet, not surprising. It's like it was always there, just waiting for me to return home. I am remembering Who I Really Am. And it is all good.

tall penguin

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


I saw a man on the train today whose lips curved just like yours. And I remembered how much I miss the feel of your breath on my cheek.

tall penguin

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Lost and Found

No matter how lost I may feel, I can always find myself in the eyes of a child.

tall penguin

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


I have loved many men in this life. Some of them have even loved me.

It is an odd thing when a past lover reappears on your life's stage. There is this unexplainable stirring, this insatiable curiosity...why here? Why now?

And your body flashes through every moment you shared--every kiss, every night of ecstasy, every tear. And you wonder. You wonder...why here? Why now?

And so, you play songs that remind you of what was, clinging to the threads of a path untraveled, knowing that there is nothing but a story and a soundtrack for all your joy, for all your heartbreak. And yet, still, you wonder...why here? Why now?

tall penguin