Friday, December 12, 2008

And so...

"What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun."
~~Ecclesiastes 1:9

Yes, that's right, I just quoted the Bible. Once in a while some of it seems apropos.

I'm having this growing sense lately that everything matters and nothing matters. That life just does what life does. Maybe there's meaning. Maybe not. Maybe we're going somewhere with all of this human stuff, maybe not. Maybe it just is what it is.

For all of my ranting, I am getting the feeling more and more strongly that none of it really matters. Life is cyclical. It's evolution working itself out. My little speck-of-dust-life really means very little. This is not to be fatalistic, but realistic. Perhaps my idealistic musings are naive. Perhaps misguided. Perhaps short-sighted. I don't know anything really. And it's okay. It's the great mystery of life why anything happens at all. Maybe it just is what it is.

It's a funny thing to watch my reactions to people, places and things. To memories and future projections. That three pound universe we call the mind is a most intriguing place. I've ranted here on this blog about my mother, religion, having children, the state of the world, and a bunch of other stuff that has been meandering through my consciousness for many years. Perhaps it was a necessary part of the process, whatever that process might be. Perhaps it just is what it is. Perhaps none of it matters and never did. If this moment right now is the only one there is (how could there be any other moment to be lived than the one you're in right now, unless you're Hiro Nakamura from the Heroes show and can time-travel of course), then what came before and what comes after is of no real consequence. There is only now.

Life continues to make a hypocrite of me. To remind me that I have little idea of what I'm doing in this life and should stop thinking I do. Strangely, after my long rant about childbearing, I've been thinking more about having a child. Bizarre that. As if, somehow, releasing the anger I felt around the issue freed me up to see it in a different light. Sometimes I think I should just shut up and keep these things to myself and just let things work themselves out on their own, without me spouting off. I hope one day I will be able to do that.

tall penguin


Call me Paul said...

There's nothing wrong with quoting the Bible. It is, after all, one of the most influential pieces of literature ever published.

jdbartlett said...

Hypocrites are people who pretend to believe something they don't, not people who change their minds. After all, standing obstinately by everything you've said, just because you've said it, is dogmatism.

WisdomOfWoof said...

I can feel, smell and taste this confusion. Your words remind me of a not-so-old pain and upset and I recognize it. It's familiar, Tall.

I love you.

I used to wonder for many hours on end what would become of me.

We are everything we should be today. Just right.

I used to freeze, heart in my throat, fearing something unknown, scared to proceed, scared not to proceed.

The essence of Tall cannot be extinguished.

I see that I have faults. They are mine. Unique, raw, simple and surprising.

I love me.

I'm sure I have what I need to get by in this world. I always have enough because I always have myself. I won't weaken myself in the wondering. Here I am! Everyone sees me.

I see you. I'm happy when I do.

Why, when, where, who, what, how: they can trap me. They cause me anxiety, upset and fear and I forget all about me. I disappear!

I see me and I see you and my eyes overflow. I examine my mind and heart and know its essence. Calm reassurance, pride and lightness fill me.

My goal in life is to be. Here I am!