Monday, November 3, 2008

To wonder...

Life makes hypocrites of us all. In the past year, I have done a number of things that I once judged others for. I've gotten drunk, gotten high, smoked, engaged in casual sex, gossiped, lied, paid my bills late, said hurtful things and done hurtful things. I have also loved more deeply, spoken more honestly, experienced deeper joy and been more present than at any other time in my life.

My mind still judges quite a bit. Old habits die hard. The difference now though is that I do my best to inquire rather than to state. Even when I write here, there is a mental question mark where you see a period. Life has become a series of wonderings for me. A long list of questions to which I hope I will never have the answers. It is the journey that excites me. I've often said that I now treat my life like a great sociological experiment. I play with situations. What happens if I do this? What will be the reaction if I say this? If I do this differently than I've ever done it before, what will happen next?

At the end of my day, I sit with all that has occurred. I watch it replay like a movie. There are moments of That was interesting or Didn't see that coming or Yup, just as I predicted. There is a knowing deep down that none of it really matters in the end and that it's part of the great mystery of life why anything happens at all. So I play. And I wonder. And I hope that when the final replay of my life occurs, my last breath will be a deep belly laugh. Oh my, what a ride.

tall penguin

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