Tuesday, June 17, 2008

What Dreams May Come...

I just realized that I have been systematically revisiting all of my childhood dreams. One by one I am revisiting the career paths, relationship options, ideas, that I once believed I could build a life around. And I have found very little left that is salvageable. Very little that I can pursue now. The dreams of the childhood version of me were based upon constructs and a body that doesn’t exist now. I am different. Life has changed me.

My dreams of becoming a dancer, a mother, a Jehovah’s Witness minister, the life partner of someone specific from my past; these are all dreams that I have had to let go of. And there is a deep grief in my heart. The Winter before the ex and I parted ways, he tortured me with one question “What do you want to do with your life?” Time and again, he would ask me about my dreams. I told him I didn’t have any. It was a lie. I had dreams. I was just afraid to find out what I’m finding out now: that dreams unfulfilled can be the most difficult deaths in life.

But face those deaths I do. And I cry. And I wonder what dreams may come to take their place. But it’s never quite the same is it? It’s like having a child after you’ve lost one; each one is irreplaceable. Each one is a unique dream unto itself.

While I grieve, I open my heart to the possibilities that lie before me. I do not pretend to know what dreams will fill my heart in the days ahead. I only hope that I will be able to meet them with the eyes of the child I once was, who felt that anything was possible.

tall penguin


Anonymous said...

1. I may be the only person I know who really liked that movie.

2. I've lately been doing a then/now review of my life and rather than feeling that I had to give up dreams in the past, I'm learning that the person I am and who I want to be is not overly compatible with who I thought I wanted to become. Which is not a bad thing at all. To reference your earlier post on strengths and weaknesses, in a way, I've discovered that it's less about having to give up my dreams I once had, than realizing the new potential dreams that are available to me now.

So don't grieve too much, because while you can't have yesterday back, tomorrow is there for the pickin', and you seem as if you are setting yourself up for picking a great future.


Anon aka Bigmouth

tall penguin said...

Hi Bigmouth! Yay, anon has a name. :)

1. I too enjoyed that movie. Trippy and delightful.

2. I think you've got it right my friend. That we're setting ourselves up for picking a great future. I see the next half of my life looking tremendously different than the first half. What's that phrase...the 10,000 joys after the 10,000 sorrows? Yup, I'm linin' up for a whole lotta joy! Bring it on.

Anonymous said...

I have many names, most of them just aren't appropriate for posting in public forums. :P

lightning said...

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

-- Langston Hughes