Monday, June 2, 2008

Cypher Days...

Oh my. I just realized I'm in a Cypher phase. Whenever I teeter on the verge of change, I have these days where I just want to be re-inserted into the Matrix and pretend like none of this is happening. I want to scream out my frustration at the reality of life on the outside of what I once knew.

And I am filled with rage. I want to drag my ex out into the street (the ex who freed me from the jw's), and beat his body into a lifeless heap. "Sorry your whole life has been a lie. Pass the potatoes." Thanks asshole. Thanks for nothing.

And I wonder if it's like this for everyone who leaves religion. Do they still have these days where they want to crawl into that bubble, where there's an answer for everything, where the warm blanket of delusion caresses their cheek?

tall penguin


matt said...

Yes, there is that feeling. But when you go back, it's not the same. Everything they say isn't an answer; instead, you question it internally. Everything you do is for a completely different reason.

Or, that's how it was for me. Going back, all I did was question it further. I would continually realize the illogical answers and predictability of the human mind. Once the mind is awakened, it becomes wired to skeptical optimum.
Ignorance is not bliss because I wasn't missing anything.

matt said...

On that note, to really go back would involve the destruction of everything you have learned about yourself. :D

I know it's just a phase, because I have them too, but just realize that whatever psychological effects religion gives, you have gained far more valuable thoughts and emotions on the outside!

matt said...

Err, sorry, one last post. I believe you have your ex to thank more than anything. To find out your delusion was false is to realize you have a life to live. There's no such thing as "making up for lost time", for all that has been lost, what have you gained? It is all valuable before and after. I thank your ex for making you question your reality. For destroying the good life you think you had. :)

zensim said...

Whilst this is a religious issue, it is also a parenting issue. Parents are not trained in emotional resilience. Parents try to swaddle their children against the world and all its dangers and in the process go to various extremes.

We all seek to go back to the comfort of the womb, to go back to the small child who crawled into our parents lap. Somewhere along the way though we were told to grow up and deny those needs. Those needs never disappear, even in adulthood. There is a healthy way to have all our needs met. When they are met healthily, in the next moment we again feel like brave voyagers, ready to explore the big wide world.

This is a continual flow through emotional states - children do it naturally, we just need to relearn how to allow this flow of energy through us, to reprogram the way we were raised.

tall penguin said...

"I believe you have your ex to thank more than anything."

Yes, I thank him. On the days I don't feel like killing him. It's more complicated than just this. It always is, isn't it? Stupid complex human relationships.

tall penguin said...

"Somewhere along the way though we were told to grow up and deny those needs. Those needs never disappear, even in adulthood."

It's funny you mention this because it hit me this aft that this rage I feel around this issue isn't just about the ex. It's about all the times I feel like I've been thrown into the deep end of the pool with no one teaching me how to swim.

I've been treading water my whole life. I'm pretty tired. Pretty damn tired.