Do you know that every single time I write a post on this blog I get a squidgy knot in my stomach? And every time I check my email for comments to these posts there's part of me that wants to throw up? Fear of judgment is what it is. Fear that someone will disagree with what I've written. But mostly, the fear that I'm wrong. And that if I'm wrong, I will cease to know who I am.
I feel anxiety around new information. I find things hard to assimilate sometimes. The new often feels like a mortal threat to my psyche. Perhaps this is a common symptom/foundation of fundamentalist thinking. Is this ego? Is this our desire to define ourselves by what we think? When I wax philosophical asking the question "Who am I really?" this is the kind of stuff I'm thinking about. If you strip away the attachment to beliefs and release the need to be right, the need to be certain, do you cease to be? Are you what you think? Are you the arguments you defend, the job you hold, the label you wear?
Funny thing though, in spite of these fears of judgment and the need for ego-protection I keep writing. Logically, I know I'm bound to be wrong more than I'm right. That there will always be someone who disagrees with me. And that judgment isn't necessarily a bad thing. Your comments here push me to new heights. And really, I'm so much more than these words.
So, please continue to challenge me here. I do very much appreciate your gentleness and respect though. I still experience a fragility that I'm working on turning to deep strength. A journey it is.