Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Secret Love...

When I was a child, my older brother had this teddy bear named Ogilvy. He was a squishy teddy with black eyes and pale yellow fur. And I loved him. Secretly.

I would steal into my brother's room when he wasn't around and snuggle Ogilvy and pretend he was my bear. I had many bears of my own, but none was as special to me as Ogilvy was. There was something in his deep, dark eyes that made me feel safe.

One day I returned home from school and went looking for Ogilvy. He was nowhere to be found. I went to my mother and asked where he went. My mother had been on a cleaning spree and had garbage-bagged a bunch of my brother's old toys that he no longer wanted. Ogilvy was now on his way to the dump. I fought back tears as I expressed my complete love for the bear.

"How was I supposed to know?" my mother replied.

I ran to my room and cried. I felt ashamed that I'd kept my love a secret, because now, Ogilvy was gone and he was never coming back. And ashamed that I'd loved at all. Because no one understood. After all, he was just a bear.

tall penguin


Alice said...

That is actually really sad since I think on my bear that I still have and I'm going on 38 here pretty soon. Sorry you lost Ogilvy!

tall penguin said...

Thanks alice.

It's funny. I didn't expect it to provoke such a deep grief in me, but the tears have been with me all night since I wrote it.

Something about having lived so much of my life in secret and how much that hurt me. How much it still hurts.

matt said...

A sad story. :(

I used to have a few animals that I personally required around with me. Especially a certain glow worm which I had to hold while sucking my thumb. :)

Phaedron Rising said...

You just reminded me of the teddy bear that I once lost.

He was soft and brown, with caring dark eyes.

I took him everywhere until he went missing on a weekend trip my family made to a ski resort in grade 4.

I spent the rest of the trip trying to track him down, but when the time came to leave, I had to go home without him.

I still don't know if I left him somewhere, or if it got tossed out by a careless hotel maid. I just hope that he found his way to another kid that needed him.

I miss you, buddy.

tall penguin said...

I love that most adults are walking around with a teddy bear story in their hearts.

I highly recommend reading the children's book "Dougal, the Garbage Dump Bear". It gave me hope that Ogilvy and the rest of our abandoned toys are living it up on a garbage heap somewhere out there.