Thursday, February 21, 2008

What is, what is not...

I’m learning more and more about the depression/anxiety that this particular penguin experiences. Not from any therapist. Not from any book. But from watching it. Even in the middle of a panic attack or serious dark cloud appearance I am learning to watch and see what is happening.

So, what am I learning? First of all, that I am not that. I am not the depression or anxiety that this mind and body deal with. I am that wonderful, quiet consciousness looking on from beneath it all. I am the still place within that holds the space around all the gobbledy gook. I am.

And I am learning that this life is mine to live. Seems pretty evident. And perhaps it is to most people, but it’s something I forget and get clocked on the head by depression and anxiety to remember. I often feel the dark cloud roll in when I’m attempting to live by someone else’s rules or expectations, by someone else’s schedule, or even by the contrived story in my own mind of how things should be. It’s a sure recipe for disaster. The thoughts spiral down into a suicidal abyss and before I know it I’m feeling panicky and trapped in my life.

I spent some time in the gobbledy gook this week before I got a little tap on the shoulder from my kinder, gentler self and was reminded that this is my life and I can direct it any way I want. Once the light bulb went on, I was only breaths away from smiling again. Amazing, isn't it?

tall penguin

2 comments:

amanda said...

I read your blog more than you know. you have been a blessing and an inspiration to me so many times over. still....we have traveled this path so similarly. I love you girl and I am holding you gently in my heart...

thank you for sharing such a vulnerable place within you...it's beautiful.

tall penguin said...

My dear Amanda, thank you for your kind words. I think of you often and am so happy to hear that we share this journey. I hope that one day we will meet in person and get to chat over tea.