Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Temporary Insanity...

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. No, I mean really stop me. I’m having déjà vu and I think I’ve already shared this story with you. Very weird.

So, I went to a temp agency today. Ventured out in a blustery winter storm to get there. Decided to take a different tack than when I was there five years ago. Back then, I was a desperate little jw just trying to find work to support my goal of being a full-time minister for the cult. And I was hell-bent (pun entirely intended) on putting on appearances, pretending to be whatever was necessary to get the job done. Being a jw taught me that one too. Nothing like being one of “God’s chosen people” to split your personality.

I'm in a strange place with my life. I'm almost treating it like some kind of sociological experiment. It's like I don't give a fuck anymore, but not in a bad way. Just that it's all part of this elaborate story, this crazy matrix and I see through it and really don't take it that seriously. Maybe I'm just going crazy. Won't be the first time. Anyhow...

Recruiter lady asks me what I'm looking for and I tell her I really don't know. I tell her I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. She laughs and says, "That's great!"

I said, "Umm, really?"

She thought that was exciting for me. So she asks me to tell her about myself, what I've done, what I'm interested in, what I'm looking for, etc. And well, I said shit I've never said before. I kind of laid it all out. I told her I like working with people. I told her I think ad agencies (which are many of her clients) make me ill and that I can't work for companies I don't feel connected with on a value level; like being a cog in the wheel of some corporation that really doesn't add much to the world. I told her that I have to do work where I understand my role in the bottom line and that if I'm just another face in the crowd it's not going to work for me.

I watched myself have this conversation and part of me was like "What the fuck are you doing?" The other part was like "You go girl!" Recruiter lady got a real kick out of me and said I'd be great for a not-for-profit, at which I smiled. She said she had a client in mind and that she'd see what she can do.

So, I told someone what I really felt and the world didn’t fall apart. In fact, maybe I’m that much closer to finding work that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. Or, I’ve now been blacklisted from working in most of the companies in my city.

tall penguin


heart2heart said...

There's nothing like realizing your own power and strength, knowing what you want and being able to tell other people what you want, no matter what. It shows how confident you really are! You go girl! :)


Tammie said...

congrats on this!

only in the last few years have i learned that it's not always a bad thing to say exactly what you are feeling without worrying about what others are thinking.

im excited for you :)