Thursday, February 7, 2008

Putting it together...

I notice I get depressed when I know there is change that needs to be made in my life and I don’t want to face it. They say depression is anger turned inwards. Yes. My body tends to do this defiant 2 year old tantrum thing when I feel impending change coming down the universal pipes. It gets all achy and painy. My mood drops and the dark clouds roll in. I’ve watched it happen over and over again in my life but never with the consciousness I have of late. I see it now. I watch it unfold. It’s funny somehow.

I wake up some mornings with clenched fists, knowing I have to drag my tired, lifeless body through another day of work, purely for my own survival. I sometimes think my depression and other chronic health issues are my body’s way of flippin’ the bird to every one and every thing, tangible or not, that has lead me to where I am at this point in my life. Only one problem: the only one hurting is me. No one else gives a flying fuck about what happens to me. That’s not to say I don’t have people in my life that care. I do. But the reality of life is that if you’re going to make change, you’re the only one that can do it. There’s no cosmic knight in shining armor (read Jesus, God, or any other imaginary friend you hold dear) coming to make it better. Somehow, along the way, I missed that vital life lesson. But I’m getting it now. Geez, am I getting it.

The bright side…anger is pretty powerful. When I’m able to channel all that guck into moving forward with the bits of my life that scare me, amazing things happen. Watch. You’ll see.

tall penguin


heart2heart said...

It is always interesting when we learn these things about ourselves... how our mind works, what makes us tick... then watching ourselves as situations unfold and knowing exactly what our reaction is going to be, like deja vu I suppose.

It is humbling (and altogether frightening sometimes) to realize that we are the only ones entirely in control of our lives and the changes we need to make. But as you say, it is amazing what we can do when we harness the power of all those emotions.

Rahul said...

Hey TP, there's a Hindu philosophy called Vedanta that prescribes: "You are the problem, you are the solution." I think this means that if you perceive a problem, it is therefore yours, and hence the solution can only come from you. Anything you can do to no longer perceive it as a problem makes it go away, regardless if you come up with a different thing to do to solve it, or if you look at it differently such that it is no longer a problem. I suppose it's meant to be like a silver lining/bright side/empowering approach. You have the power to take control of the (changing) situation. /rd