Monday, January 14, 2008

Seeing Other People...

I kissed a girl this weekend. Not just a peck kiss but a full-on mini-makeout kiss. And I enjoyed every second of it. Yes, I was drunk. But not so drunk as to be unaware of what I was doing. Even when I’m drunk I have a very acute sense of my surroundings and an inordinately strong sense of responsibility. I have yet to do something when I’m drunk that I wouldn’t consent to doing when I’m sober. So, I kissed a girl and I liked it.

It’s a funny thing really. Having grown up with such a strong black and white box within which to put everything, I find that nothing really goes into that box very well. Nothing is as clear cut as I was raised to think it was, even sexual attraction. The idea that we, as humans, are clear cut hetero or homosexual is really quite unrealistic. It seems to me that such distinctions are quite arbitrary. While there may be innate or inborn tendencies to be attracted to a particular sex, I also believe that the largest sex organ is the brain and well, once you create a story up there, it can filter down to other parts of your body and before you know it, you’re attracted to someone you never thought you could be attracted to.

All these experiences of late are really showing me how much goes on in that three pound universe we call the brain. I am challenging beliefs, rewriting stories, confronting illusions. I have yet to find anything in my mind that is real. It’s all so very subjective. One thought leads to another which leads to another and the story practically weaves itself. It’s wildly amusing and oddly disconcerting. Sometimes it makes me want to laugh and sometimes it makes me want to cry. Often, I do both.

tall penguin


Anonymous said...

There's a really beautiful story that was the basis for a British TV series called "Bob & Rose" about a friend of Russell T. Davis' (the man who created Queer As Folk) who has known he was gay since he was a small child, always had male lovers, but one day fell for a woman. He's been with her for years now, and they have children, but he still identifies completely as homosexual. As far as he's concerned, he's only attracted to men, only has feelings for men, but this woman is so perfect for him, and he's so in love with her alone, that all romance and sexuality follow without him being able to associate those things with any other female.

I thought you'd appreciate that story, because it's a really great example of the idea that sexuality is fluid, and it really is difficult to define ourselves.

mememe said...

bhi penguin....haha
Did you do that?......You are crazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.............really!!!.......hahaha.....i mean you did that to explore like you say 'new sexual horizons' or what?....hey i am really laughing ok.....its funny also...i mean i have been reading you for quite a long time and i knew that you r interested in some obscure and extraordinary things ....but where from this came? sfunny..its interesting...n its crazy....!!! a bit of i mean....haha.....hey you dont mind it ok....i mean if u doint like my comment...

tall penguin said...

Thank you anon, I just look into the series. I'll have to track it down and watch it.

Yes, it does appear that sexuality is more fluid than static. I think of Kinsey's scale of sexuality and how we can be anywhere along the scale at anytime.

Hey Ashok. I did it because I wanted to do it. No more, no less. I just happened to learn some interesting things about myself along the way. This is life my young friend. It's not a dress rehearsal. May as well enjoy it.

tall penguin

Anonymous said...

The full series is available to watch online at - it's not available anywhere in Canada, as far as I can tell. It's really well-done, and terribly sweet. Completely worth watching.

tall penguin said...

Thanks anon. I'll definitely check it out.

heart2heart said...

Hmmm I wrote you a nice long comment yesterday but for some reason it didn't save!! I'll try again....

Sounds like you are experiencing everything in your "new life", so to speak. I agree that sexuality is very fluid, there is no one, or even two ways to define it. Kinsey's scale is a good start, but even then, there are so many other variances! As the saying goes "You can't help who you are attracted to / fall in love with."

"This is life my young friend. It's not a dress rehearsal. May as well enjoy it."

You've only got one life. Better to try whatever you want, than get to the end of it and realize you have regrets!

ttys Sweetie!

Gayle said...

I have had the urge to kiss a girl before. However, I was in a long-term relationship at the time and I couldn't cheat on my significant other.

I think there is something different about the female x2 relationship. Especially if it is someone that you are attracted to enough to make things even more powerful.

Anyways, I'm glad that you are exploring.

tall penguin said...

Yes, regrets are what I'm trying to avoid. Would have had many if I'd continued my life as a jw. But you know that doncha? ;)

"I think there is something different about the female x2 relationship. Especially if it is someone that you are attracted to enough to make things even more powerful."

I think you're right and perhaps it is that difference that intrigues me. I think there are some things that perhaps a woman can tap into differently than a man. I'm sure I'll find out.