Saturday, January 19, 2008

Being truly single...

For the first time in my life, I'm not in a relationship, nor am I consciously seeking one. I know, you're recalling my New Years intention blog where I stated that this year I'm calling in "the one". But that's on my back burner. I'm not avidly seeking anything. Neither am I attached to an outcome.

Since my teens, my thoughts have been consumed with seeking love and relationship. If I wasn't in one, I was thinking about finding one. I was grading every male I came into contact with, taking mental notes, trying to figure out if we'd be good together. But now, I'm just me. Just me being me with people, enjoying people as they come along into my life, male and female alike. It's refreshing. It's freeing.

Until recently, I never appreciated what being single means. It means I set my own schedule. It means I eat potato chips in bed at any hour of the day. It means I can delay doing laundry as long as I like, because it's only my underwear and sock needs that are of concern. It means I can enjoy the company of whoever I like, whenever I like. It means I can make money, save money, spend money, according to my budget and mine only. It means I can stay out all night and not have to answer to anyone. It means I can cook or not cook and it doesn't matter. It means I can clean my house and it stays clean. It means being able to laugh, cry, scream, jump up and down, curl up in a ball or do anything else I please without any one else's feelings to worry about. It means being able to explore who I am, without worrying about what someone else thinks. It means being me with me. And I like it.

My greatest fear in life has been that I will end up alone. That I won't find someone to have a family with or share life with. That fear is being confronted daily. It's not as scary as I thought. I'm finding most stuff isn't.

tall penguin

8 comments:

José P. said...

You have to find yourself before you can find “true love.”—

Carpe Vita.

tall penguin said...

Aw yes, "true love"--alas, what definition would you use for such a thing? How would I know when I've found it?

And what is this 'self' I need to find? Methinks there are more questions than answers my friend. More questions than answers.

José P. said...

Yourself, through experience and introspection (I believe you've found ‘yourself’ when you look in the mirror and smile at who you are). “True love”—I know nothing about “true love.”

“Methinks there are more questions than answers my friend. More questions than answers.”

Tell me about it. @_@

Anonymous said...

Yes, I'm reading your book backwards and forwards at the same time. No squirrels today, though.

"My greatest fear in life has been that I will end up alone. That I won't find someone to have a family with or share life with."

For me, the situation is the exact opposite. When I stop to think about it, I'm afraid that I -will- find that someone to spend and share my life with, and will lose that part of me which I treasure most, being independent and free and not locked into anything for life. That my schedule won't be my own, that I have to answer to someone else, etc.

Anyway, your blog's been pretty fascinating to read thus far, and I look forward to making my way to 2007 and 2006.

Cheers.

Anon.

tall penguin said...

"When I stop to think about it, I'm afraid that I -will- find that someone to spend and share my life with, and will lose that part of me which I treasure most, being independent and free and not locked into anything for life. That my schedule won't be my own, that I have to answer to someone else, etc."

In reading through this post, I find myself at the opposite end of the fear spectrum now, in much the same place as yourself. Having enjoyed being truly single now for some time, I so value my time, space and autonomy.

I'm sure there's a middle ground here somewhere.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure there is. I just wonder if it's possible to find while actually seeking it, or do I have to let it find me instead.

tall penguin said...

"I just wonder if it's possible to find while actually seeking it, or do I have to let it find me instead."

My gut response? Be open to the possibility and yes, it will find you. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

That's how I felt about running injuries too... ;)

Cheers!

PS. Have made it back to 2007. :)