I sit before this computer, alone on Christmas night. I’ve just enjoyed a beautiful meal of Indian food and baked goodies from dear friends. And I feel a mix of melancholy and hope. Strange to be feeling both at the same time. Sometimes I wonder if there is indeed someone, something out there looking out for me. There is this soft whisper I hear on days like this that tells me to keep going, even though things look bleak, mundane and circular. It is that voice that gives me hope. Perhaps it is the opposite voice to the one I heard all summer that wanted me to end my life. Perhaps it is the same voice. Perhaps I needed to hear that then in order to hear this now. A sort of existential corollary.
My mind wanders over the past year. It seems appropriate as the last few calendar days tick by. It has been a year of great hurt, disappointment, loss, grief, anger and despair. It has been a year of death. Of illusions. Of dreams. Of what once was.
And it has been a year of rebirth. A year of new friends. A year of letting go. A year of finding a strength within myself I didn’t know was there. A year of supporting myself through times difficult and strained. A year of knowing that I’m not truly alone even in the quietest, darkest depths of all that lurks behind my eyes. A year of coming to terms with the past and choosing to move forward in spite of it. A year of choice. A year of sheer will.
Over the next week I will be taking time to sit with the year ahead and create a vision of what I want my life to look like in the coming 365 days. This idea of creation is still so foreign to me. I’m not sure I know how to create a life. Let alone create a life that I want. It involves knowing what I want and believing that I have the ability to create it. No easy feat. And yet, that is where the hope comes in. I have a strange sense of hope about my life. As if it is just beginning in many ways. Being a stranger to a strange land has been scary for me. Now it’s becoming intriguing. I wonder what my future holds. ‘More things than are dreamt of in my philosophy’ I do suppose. I hope so.