Friday, December 7, 2007

Does everyone feel this way sometimes?

Perhaps it is the dark days of winter. Perhaps it is the fact that I'm not sleeping well. Or maybe it's just me being me, but I'm having those old "What the fuck am I doing?" feelings again.

I feel perpetually stunted as a human being. I feel as if I lack the basic skills to live a balanced existence. I struggle to make sense of the world around me and every day I come up short. Nothing seems to make sense. Just when I think I know what’s going on, I see the black cat cross my path again and realize something in the Matrix has just changed. And I’m back to square one.

My psyche feels like a shattered Faberge egg. Jeweled, beautiful, enchanting. Once priceless, but now just bits and pieces of something that will never be whole again. I do my best not to live in the past, but I realize that I’m forever changed by it. Trauma, hurt, illness, grief—they’ve all played their role in chipping away at the girl I once was. And no matter how many beautiful moments I have, like the ones I blogged about yesterday, there is still this ache in the depths of my soul that longs for the end of this life. No matter how peaceful I can feel in the moment, there is still this deep yearning for my last breath. To have that wonderful sense that the struggle is over and that I can finally, finally rest.

tall penguin

3 comments:

Thomas said...

"There is still this deep yearning for my last breath. To have that wonderful sense that the struggle is over and that I can finally, finally rest."

The only problem with your sentiments is that death is not the end. You have always been and will always be.

tall penguin said...

Prove it.

Thomas said...

I wish I could. I've heard it said that if you're a believer, no proof is necessary and if you're a skeptic, no proof is possible.

But honestly, I also believed in Jehovah God as a youngun, then was an agnostic (or just didn't care)in my teens. In my early 20's, I was diagnosed with major depression and thought of suicide constantly. But, thankfully, Paxil and Trazodone gave me the kick I needed.

I read much spiritual material during this time and what most turned me into a believer was reading the myriad accounts of people who have had near-death experiences. Based on these, I have no fear of death and actually look forward to it. For now, though, there's things I want to do, love I want to give, seasons to see change, you know, the usual.

I look forward to you having the same hope one day and if you already have this, to feel it even more greatly.