It is a very lonely realization to look back on the past and realize that there is no one here now who has been with you through it all. While I know that I am not defined by my past, there are moments where I long to look into the eyes of someone who knows where I've been, who knows what I've been through and can hold that space for me. Who sees what I've become and knows that it's truly a miracle that I'm here at all. It is hard trying to be that for myself. To be the space holder and the experiencer; the watched and the watcher; the mother, father, sinner and saint. It's all too much sometimes.
God, I really need some sleep.