What we call love feels an awful lot like a drug craving. You desire someone. You can't get them off your mind. You lose your focus. You want to spend every waking moment in their company. You think you'll die without them. It's not love. It's addiction. It's a chemical response that makes us think we need another person. It's evolutionary. It's the primitive parts of our brain saying we need to procreate to survive. It's oxytocin and endorphins and pheremones and dopamine. And we call it love.
What the fuck are we thinking? It's not love. It's addiction. It's a response that has nothing to do with love, which to me is a spiritual meeting of souls. Is it possible that what starts out as addiction can evolve into something more real, something more authentic, love in its truest form? Or is addiction destined to always be addiction and eventually crash and burn?
Fuck, I feel like I'm 8 years old with my first crush. It's the worst possible feeling. I feel like I'm flying but I know it's just the chemical rush I'm feeling. What happens when I come back down to earth? What happens when the chemical attraction wears off? Is there anything left to build on? Does it matter? Is it okay to just ride the rush and enjoy that for what it is?
I hate this feeling. Rather than feeling uplifting it makes me want to throw myself in front of a train. I hate feeling this out of control. I hate not knowing what I'm doing. I hate not knowing where I'm going. For all my talk about having no expectations and living one day at a time, I can't help but expect more from myself.
I still feel this pressing need to expect myself to have my life figured out. I think I should be more grounded and settled than what I am. I think I should have a career direction and a 10 year plan. But I don't. And I have no desire to get one. Does that make me a mutant? I feel like a mutant. I still feel like I'm not made for this world. And this love/addiction stuff just makes me so acutely aware of how little I know. How many questions there are and how few answers there seem to be. And yet, I look around me and it seems that no one else has it figured out either. We're all just swinging from one addiction to another. What the fuck are any of us doing here anyways?
Sigh. Speaking of addictions, I'm off to pay homage to the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup god. He's the only god I serve these days. And the Lay's god. Oh, and occasionally the KitKat god. They're the only gods that hear my prayers. But alas, in true god fashion, they have yet to answer them.