Almost two years ago, I had a creative flash for a business idea. That night I went online and bought the domain name for my new venture, purchasing a ten year term for it, knowing somewhere in my soul that this idea would one day come to fruition. It has sat brewing in my subconscious since then. Brewing indeed. Stewing even, with fears and doubts and voices saying, You can't do this, You'll fail, You'll succeed (yes, I have just as much a fear of success as I do of failure). And so, it's sat idle waiting for me to sort through the mess that holds me back from giving it a shot.
I woke up this morning feeling a pull to this business idea. Perhaps it was the drunken chat I had with a friend last night who encouraged me to at least try it out and see what happens. Perhaps it's the fact that I'm still a little hung over and the fear voices are still at bay. Or maybe I'm just coming to realize the truth of these words by Marianne Williamson:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Your playing small does not serve the world. From grade school through high school, I was an A+ student. I didn't play small. I just did my thing. I did my best and I got noticed for it. But somewhere through my teens I began to recoil. I began to feel this inner pressure mounting in my soul, a voice that said success came with a high price--burnout. I sincerely believe I had a "mid-life crisis" at the age of 17. Ever since then I have held myself back from shining, in fear of not being able to manage the energy that is required to shine in this life. Afraid to crash and burn. Afraid that even if I achieve everything I set out to do, that there will still be some voice in the back of my head telling me it's not enough. But who am I not to try? Who am I to hold back from the world something that could be of great benefit to it? Who am I to play small?
I don't know how long it will take to manifest my business idea or even what form the final product will take. But I know that I must do something with it. I firmly believe my holding it back is causing me more damage than putting it out there. Sometimes stifled creativity can be just as exhausting as making it happen. I must find the balance. I'm sure it exists.