Monday, September 10, 2007

What remains?

Of all the people I've lost, all the beliefs I've shed and everything that has come up for question in the past two years since leaving the jw's, what hurts me the most is that I feel myself losing faith in love.

I have always been a hopeless romantic, perhaps bordering on idealistic, but the one thing that always kept me going in life was the idea that love existed and that I could find someone to love and be loved by--a companion, a fellow journeyman. Now, love seems like just another chemical reaction in my mind. It seems meaningless. A futile pursuit like all others.

My unending belief in love has been what has guided my spirit through these many years of depression. Now, it seems like an illusion. Just another one to throw on the pile. What is left?

tall penguin


Gayle said...

As cheesy as it sounds, love is what you don't see as much as it is what you do see. Sometimes the part that you don't see is much bigger, like the part of the iceberg that is underwater. As abstract (and somewhat religious) as it can sound to believe in the part that you can't see right now, it's even more abstract to dismiss it. For although there are horrible things that happen throughout the world, there are also so many big and little things that happen because of love every day -- I don't think that people would even exist today without love in some form.

So, illusion? Yes, sometimes. But more often not visible but still there.

Hang in there.

Rahul said...

As you flip rocks and splash through your inner understanding, scraping away years of film and grunge in order to get to the real core (an honoured and respected journey, to say the least), you are claiming with conviction that nothing is sacred. Not even love. Your task is huge and it is worthy. Nothing is sacred, keep looking, redefining. You go girl. /rd