Friday, September 21, 2007

What I want...

A friend asked me today what I want, what's my heart's desire in life. I got angry and frustrated in thinking about her question. It's the same question the ex asked me all winter. Like a rat on a wheel, he would not stop badgering me. "What do you want to do with your life?" So fuck all of you. Here's my list. Read it or don't. I really don't care.

I want all advice to stop. I want people to stop telling me what they think. I want to know what to do and not be afraid to do it. I want to be able to try things and not be afraid of failing. I want to be able to make mistakes and not have my whole world come crashing down because of them. I want to be able to not know what to do and be okay with that.

I want to have a family. I want to love someone who loves me in return, someone devoted to staying with me, watching me grow, giving me the space to discover myself each day anew. I want someone to co-parent with, someone who believes in the value of parenting. Someone who cherishes me for my nurturing skills. Someone who sees my open heart not as a toy to be played with, or as a sign of weakness, but as a beautiful open flower, a heart willing to love and give. Someone who values having their dreams supported. Someone who values me and who I am behind all the story.

I want to share my life with someone who believes in commitment, who sees relationships, not just as temporary learning classrooms, but as lifelong learning gardens, places to grow, to love, to nurture and be nurtured. Someone who realizes that relationships can be hard work and that sometimes the passion fades, but that it can come back again if you want it to. Someone who won’t leave when the going gets tough. Someone who believes in love, the love that requires time to grow, the love that requires you to love yourself and to know who you really are.

I want to know what it’s like to get up every day and feel content. To feel as though my life is worth living. I want to know what it feels like to wake up beside someone who wants to be with me, who I feel safe to be me with. I want to know what it feels like to live my life with one person, to look back on 20, 30, 40 years of a relationship, to survey the highs and lows and still look at that person and smile and be glad that we’re together. I want to know what it feels like to love with all my heart and have that returned. To see my hard work and efforts pay off for once. To have memories that I can keep without being traumatized in recalling them. To have pure joy, untainted by loss and disappointment.

I want to know what it’s like to look back at an accomplishment, trial or challenge and feel proud, feel happy, feel delighted with myself. To feel a sense of worth and value in myself. I want to know what enough is. I want to know that I’m enough. I want to feel “enough” in every cell in my body, every breath in my lungs, every beat of my heart. I want to know what it’s like to put my head on the pillow at night and feel content with my day and be able to fall asleep without worry, without flashbacks, without memories. I want to know what a restful night’s sleep feels like, without nightmares, without panic. I want to know what it feels like to wake up and feel grateful to be alive, rather than praying for death to overtake me while I sleep.

I want to know what it’s like to give birth. To raise a child. To teach a child, to create a safe space for a child to love, live, laugh and grow. I want to know what it’s like to say, “This is my son” or “This is my daughter.”

I want to know what it’s like to feel like an adult, to feel like I’ve arrived on this planet and that I’m fully present and alive. I want to know what it feels like to take a vacation, to own a house, to have satisfying work each day and not be worried about bills and basic survival.

I want to know what it feels like to give love and feel like it’s not killing you slowly to give it. I want to know what it feels like to be alive every day and not feel so damn tired all the time.

I want to know that even if I don’t accomplish any of these things, that I’m okay, that I’m loved and that my life is worth living.

tall penguin

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