For the past four months I have been helping a new mother with her twin boys, now aged 13 months. I love children. Having studied infant development, I find it fascinating to watch these little guys grow, explore and learn. It's funny to sit back and watch them interact. They love playing peek-a-boo with me and each other.
Since I was a young girl I have wanted to have children. Yet, I wonder if that's just what I've been conditioned to want. I wonder what I would do with my time if I decided not to become a mother. How would I fill the next 20 years of my life? And I wonder how many people have children for these reasons. The factors seem complicated. I just wonder whether more children is what the planet really needs.
I have just come from taking care of these sweet little boys and I am exhausted in every way. I don't know how mothers do it. I am gaining a new empathy for my mother. Knowing her mental/emotional state at the time that she had my brother and I, I can imagine how difficult raising us was for her. Perhaps that is the context for why I would often find her lying across her bed at the end of the day crying. I find myself suffering the same universal exhaustion daily.
I am beginning to let go of all the preconceived notions I have had for my life. I have no idea what I'm doing. I have no idea where I'm going. I take each day one minute, one hour at a time. It's all I can do. I trust it won't always be this way. But I don't know for sure. I don't know anything for sure.