As I look back on my life, I see patterns. Patterns of behavior, patterns of relationships, patterns of outcomes. No matter how "self-aware" I become, how much I change my world-view or how much I change my thoughts, I still end up in the same place. I am not convinced that my not being a jw has improved the quality of my life. I am not convinced that being a jw was any better either. I am not convinced of anything.
Nothing makes much sense anymore. Nothing seems real to me. I feel like I am hovering over my body watching it all, but somehow still caught in the patterns that play in my head. It all seems like bullshit and yet I can't seem to change it. The movie still plays out as it always has. No matter what I change, no matter what I do, no matter who is in my life, I still end up here--lost, immobilized, sick and confused.
I see everyone walking around all day, going to work, maintaining their existence and I don't see the point. I don't see why anyone does anything. I just see futility and waste and illusions and hopelessness. We are the same humans we've always been. We keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again, individually and collectively.
I hope we can evolve beyond the brains we have now. I see our current brain as seriously lacking. Or is it that we haven't evolved the tools to use it yet? Evolution is so very slow and disappointing. No wonder I really wanted to believe there was a god.