I sit in a coffee shop waiting for A, a friend and former lover who I have not seen in almost two years. We were supposed to meet for lunch. He was supposed to call hours ago. I am tired of waiting. Waiting for A. Waiting for JR. Waiting for L. Waiting for J. My heart is weary of these men. I'm pissed off. I'm angry. Fuck all of you.
I get myself prettied up. I allow myself to get excited. I'm going to see someone I love, why not get excited I think to myself. And then I wait. Always waiting. I'm tired of tentative plans. Tell me you're going to meet me. Tell me where. Tell me when. And then follow through. And be with me. Be present with me. Look into my eyes. See me seeing you. Forget about work. Forget about your deadlines. Forget about everything but this moment here with me.
My therapist says I'm angry with life but that I keep turning that anger inwards, on myself. And that is apparently where the suicidal thoughts come from. Well fuck life. Fuck these men who can't commit to a lunch let alone anything else. Fuck these men for saying they love me. And fuck love. It's all bullshit anyways.
My friend Geoff has said that considering the way men behave it's amazing more women aren't lesbians. I'm beginning to see Geoff's point. From Belle & Sebastian's song Seeing Other People:
"But if they don't see the quality then it is apparent that
You're going to have to change
Or you're going to have to go with girls
You might be better off
At least they know what they're doing."