Monday, August 20, 2007

No more unsent letters...

You know those sunshiney happy people who blow smoke up your ass by seeing the silver lining to every cloud. Those people who look at abuse or trauma and say, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I hate those people. I hate their bullshit. I hate their illusions.

There are people I wish I'd never met. Experiences I wish I'd never had. Situations I'm not better for. Experiences that have left indelible marks on my heart, mind and soul, from which I will never recover. I'm pissed with people telling me that I'm going to get through this, that time will make things better. What if if doesn't? There are layers and layers of pain and trauma in my soul. Just when I think they've healed another experience comes along and brings all the layers back to the surface. Flashbacks, nightmares, memories.

Fuck you J. I wish we'd never met. I wish I'd never gotten involved in your life. I wish you'd just left me alone. We had no right getting involved in each other's shit. What the hell did we think we were doing?

I remember, you would make me dinner, that was always your way of placating me. But then you'd leave the kitchen a mess for me to clean up. It always made me sigh, that your good intentions left nothing but a mess in their wake. And that you never stayed around to clean them up, to see the damage done. The fun is gone, you thought, time to move on.

J., I wish you every kind of pain. I wish you heartache and flashbacks and nights so tortured that you feel death would be your only solution. I wish you the kind of sorrow and rage that alcohol and sex and drugs can't touch. The pain that knows no consolation. The pain of knowing that you've ruined a life, that your presence has left an indelible mark and all the songs you sang can never make it go away. The pain of knowing that you were loved, but did not love in return. That you lied. And that you took an already fragile heart and used it as your personal play thing.

Life is not a game. It never was. If you have any decency left in your jaded soul, you will start to realize that. And start understanding the basic ideas of cause and effect. Grow up asshole. Grow up.

tall penguin


amanda said...

sometimes it's just okay to be a bitch and call something out as you truly see it. more power to you girl! I admire the honesty and thanks for sharing....

heart2heart said...

I'm so proud of you for posting your feelings here, after what we talked about last weekend... get it all out!