This morning I had the most empowering dream. I sought out my first boyfriend. He was sitting in his bedroom, but it was like a child's room. There were crayon scribbles on the wall. Small tables and chairs. Like the room of a five year old. But he was an adult. He was sitting there playing video games.
I approached him and told him how much he'd affected my life. How his actions had hurt me and how everything he said and did to me affected me for the next 17 years of my life and that I often wished we'd never met. Although asleep I could feel the heat of rage run through my body. He never turned his head. He didn't even acknowledge me but I know he heard my words. I felt this strength within that startled even me. I felt my feet connected to the ground and my shoulders held back. I felt my voice get stronger and stronger as I spoke. I said what I needed to say and then I just stopped.
The room fell silent. My heart mellowed. I saw him as the five year old of that room. I saw that he was a child, a hurt child, a loveless child. A child that didn't have the ability to treat me in an adult way because he wasn't an adult. Who couldn't show me love because he wasn't shown love. Who abused me because he'd been abused. Who had exploited me because he'd been exploited. The little boy turned to me. I scooped him up in my arms and said that it was okay. That he was safe now. And that all was forgiven. And that I hoped he could go out into the world now knowing he was loved. And the dream ended.
I awoke feeling lighter. And I realized I've known many of these five year old boys in my life. These abused, exploited, scared little boys who don't know how to love. And I've been hurt by many of them. But this morning I embrace them all. Wherever you are, my friends, know that you are safe and loved.