Saturday, July 21, 2007

Pattern Seeker

I have been a pattern seeker for as long as I can remember. I seek out the connections between what is and what was. I try to see the connecting threads of people's behavior, the repetition of behaviors across time, and the foreshadowing of events based on those patterns. I'm amazingly accurate at times. I can foresee outcomes before they happen. It's like I have a catalog in my brain of behaviors and likely outcomes and when I see things happening, I can predict what might happen next. And often I'm right. Of course, often I'm wrong. It's interesting though.

It's also exhausting because I can rarely detach from the information I feel coming in through my senses. It affects my ability to focus and be in the moment. I feel flooded with information and I feel compelled to sort it. But I can't sort it fast enough. I can't catalog it fast enough. And it is tiring. And yes, that's why I seek a wonder drug. It's why I meditate. It's why I wanted to believe in a god. I sincerely wanted to believe that some day, a cosmic knight in shining armor would save me from my pattern seeking, save me from the thoughts that rush through me daily, save me from myself.

tall penguin

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