Monday, July 30, 2007

Clarity...

On my last post Rahul made the following comment:

"As much as it takes strength to uphold "religious" doctrine in the face of logic, it takes strength to give yourself the opportunity to define your own existence. Strength and courage."

Your timing is impeccable my friend. You have mirrored the thoughts I was intending to blog about today. Perhaps you are my guardian angel? ;)

I see myself in similar situations as I have been in my past. As if my life is coming full circle. I see my contribution to the situation I'm in now. It is humbling to watch your life unfold and see the hand you have played in it. A series of choices has lead me to where I am in this moment. What I really wonder is if I make different choices now as compared to then, will the outcome then be different?

What's that saying: 'the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results?' I feel like I've been attempting to make different choices with my life in the past two years, conscious choices. And yes, as Rahul has noted this takes strength and courage. But the choice I face before me now feels monstrous by comparison. It is the choice to live, to "define my existence". There is no file in my brain for this.

It is taking all my strength and courage to face each day. The thoughts of suicide linger in the background of my mind. Oblivion beckons me daily. I am watching the play unfold in my mind, attempting not to define myself by it. I have resources and support now that I didn't have when I faced this crossroad some 15 years ago. I feel my friends and family surround me in a way that I've never felt before. I actually feel that there are poeple who would miss me if I were not here anymore.

And yet, with all the support, the choice is still mine. To carry on or not. To live or die. No one can choose for me. It is a decision I am making from minute to minute, from hour to hour. It is difficult. It is exhausting. And yet, it is inspiring. For within my soul I am finding a resilience I didn't know was there. To quote Camus, "In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer. " The depression I entered this past winter is still ongoing. This 'dark night of the soul' still lingers. But somewhere deep within is the flame of summer, a spark that refuses to die.

One of my favorite poets is Robert Frost. I will end this post with his famous words from "The Road Not Taken":

"I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

tall penguin

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