Josh and I have been having an ongoing conversation about hopes and dreams. I tend not to entertain either. There are times when I'll get excited about something, even allowing myself to verbalize my excitement. If I'm feeling really dangerous I may even feel this way for a few days, dreaming about a possibility, a person, an experience, a goal. But inevitably, the dream begins to fade and is replaced by the reminders of so many unfulfilled dreams, so many unrealized hopes.
I saw my physiotherapist the other day. We've only been working together a short time, but she's pleased with the progress I've made so far. Between the Fibromyalgia, shoddy genetics and some back issues, it's taking time to put Humpty Dumpty back together. I'm lying on the table and she's working some of my muscles. She says, "You have lots of strength but little stamina." I sigh. Story of my life.
It is this lack of stamina that has killed almost every dream I've ever had. I remember how often as a child I would set goals for things but I couldn't bring them to fruition because my health would not sustain me. There are many pictures of me as a young girl dancing. I would choreograph routines to my favorite 45's and then call my family into the living room to watch my performance. I loved dancing.
As a JW, my one goal was to be a full-time minister, devoting seventy hours a month to the preaching work (in addition to working to support myself). I strived for almost two decades to reach that goal. But it was always just out of my reach. My body couldn't take the rigorous schedule. Inevitably I would crash and burn.
As you well know from my previous entries I love children. I love being around them. I love playing with them. But even this joy comes at a price. Children are physically demanding. Carrying them, caring for them, getting up early with them---this all requires stamina that I don't have. It pains me but this may prevent me from having children of my own. There are always considerations to be made with anything I dare dream about.
The silver lining: my physiotherapist is hopeful I can build my stamina. She says though that considering my body, it will take me longer than most people. So, maybe one day, you will see this tall penguin dancing. And maybe even dreaming. I guess anything is possible.