Do you ever feel this generalized sense of angst in your belly? Like there are things that need to be done and you're not even sure what they are or how to do them? I've been walking around lately with butterflies flitting away my insides wondering what it is that is unsettling me. Last night it hit me in a flood of tears and grief. I had just finished watching Walk the Line, the biopic film about Johnny Cash. I followed it up by watching one of the last videos Cash filmed before his death, "Hurt", a cover of a Nine Inch Nails song. This video tends to bring tears to my eyes. Last night it brought me to my knees.
Flashes of the people I love, some who I've not spoken to for some time, reminded me of the unfinished business I have in this life. Things I want to say. Things I want to do. The tears flowed as I realized that these people may die without my being able to finish what I need to finish with them. It may be because of circumstance, timing or because they are not open to speaking with me or being part of my life, as is the case with the JWs I know. I feel so powerless, so helpless.
With the recent realization that this is the only life I get, I feel a sense of urgency. Perhaps that is still my JW indoctrination prodding me to "make things right" before the worlds ends. Maybe I'm just transferring that angst onto my life now. Still, I can't shake this fear of uncertainty; the weight that comes with realizing that my destiny is in my own hands, that there are things in my life that I will hold as regrets should I, or certain others, die tomorrow.
To quote the lyrics from "Hurt":
"What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end"
This is the inevitability for all of us. Eventually, we will all 'go away in the end'. Will our business here in this life ever feel finished?