Tuesday, February 27, 2007

More On Why I Don't Dream

It hit me why it is that my defenses go up when people talk to me about hoping for the future and envisioning myself having energy and stamina and the things I'd be able to do with that. It reminds me of faith--blind faith.

It is not like I was well and normal for most of my life and had an injury that robbed me of my mobility and strength. It is not as though while I'm doing physio I know in my body what I'm working towards. There isn't part of me that says, "Oh I look forward to having energy again. I look forward to being able to (insert activity here) like I did when I was 5 or 15 or 25 or before the 'accident'." I have no such framework. I am not going back to anything. I am pushing forward into something I've never had, based on the experiences of others and what the body should be capable of doing. I have no rational reason to believe that my body can do the same. So for me, it's like blind faith. Much like the paradise earth I bought into as a JW.

"The paradise is real. See yourself there. Others can see it, why can't you? They've tasted it, felt it, lived it." When you tell me to hope, to dream about a body that can climb and hike and explore, it is like this carrot of paradise. Irrational, illogical. There's no file for this anywhere in my body. As long as I can remember I have lacked stamina. It is like asking a blind person to dream of the color red.

And it feels unfair. I want to run screaming, "There is no paradise. It's not there. How dare you tell me to dream of the impossible!"

Yet, I see the physio. I do the exercises. I trust that her opinion is valid. I want to believe. I feel like a JW all over again. Damn it.

tall penguin


Magellan said...

If it's any consolation, stamina, unlike a paradise earth, is something other credible (whatever that is) observers have experienced. People who have it regularly attest to the real-world benefits of building and using stamina.

Hope isn't just for cultists!

Jessica said...

I sincerely hope you find that stamina! I understand how it feels to be tired, depressed, and feeling like somehow it is your own fault, or beyond your reach. It's not.
Do the best you can - continue your physio and exercises if it helps, and have the goal to simply feel a little better than you do now.
Baby steps!
You don't need to have the goal of feeling like "everyone else", because that may not be attainable for you, BUT it may be very likely that you can get some reprieve from your fatigue, build your strength and stamina, and feel better all around. Smaller goals are always easier to obtain - keep it realistic, make sure your goals are obtainable. Having the strength to climb, hike and explore is tough for most of us!
Don't give up!

tall penguin said...

Thanks Magellan and Jessica. I appreciate your support.

I think the smaller goals vision you suggest Jess is much easier to work with for me.

Perhaps even just seeing myself being able to go walking or swimming a few times a week would be a good goal.

Geez, at this point, just being able to climb the stairs to my apartment without pain and exhaustion would be wonderful!

tall penguin