It hit me why it is that my defenses go up when people talk to me about hoping for the future and envisioning myself having energy and stamina and the things I'd be able to do with that. It reminds me of faith--blind faith.
It is not like I was well and normal for most of my life and had an injury that robbed me of my mobility and strength. It is not as though while I'm doing physio I know in my body what I'm working towards. There isn't part of me that says, "Oh I look forward to having energy again. I look forward to being able to (insert activity here) like I did when I was 5 or 15 or 25 or before the 'accident'." I have no such framework. I am not going back to anything. I am pushing forward into something I've never had, based on the experiences of others and what the body should be capable of doing. I have no rational reason to believe that my body can do the same. So for me, it's like blind faith. Much like the paradise earth I bought into as a JW.
"The paradise is real. See yourself there. Others can see it, why can't you? They've tasted it, felt it, lived it." When you tell me to hope, to dream about a body that can climb and hike and explore, it is like this carrot of paradise. Irrational, illogical. There's no file for this anywhere in my body. As long as I can remember I have lacked stamina. It is like asking a blind person to dream of the color red.
And it feels unfair. I want to run screaming, "There is no paradise. It's not there. How dare you tell me to dream of the impossible!"
Yet, I see the physio. I do the exercises. I trust that her opinion is valid. I want to believe. I feel like a JW all over again. Damn it.