I haven't posted for a few days. I'll let you in on why that is. First though, some background. In the cult I grew up in, Jehovah's Witnesses, (that's the first time I've mentioned that, isn't it? I guess I'm really out of the closet now) there was always this "protect the appearance of the religion at all costs" kind of mentality. There's an all-pervasive need to not "bring reproach on 'Jehovah' or the congregation" (as if God needed me to make sure no one got the wrong idea about him). It causes quite a perfectionist persona to develop, where you have the need to project that you've got it altogether. Time and again, we were told that we were "Jehovah's happy people" and that we must be aware of how we present ourselves "to the world" so that people "on the outside" would be endeared to the God we served. No small task.
So, what does this have to do with why I haven't written for a few days? Well, as I've been writing about my increasingly atheistic ideas, I felt this overwhelming need to "protect" that idea from any ill perceptions. I haven't been feeling great emotionally for the past few days and I thought that if I wrote about my depressive thoughts I'd be "casting a bad light" on atheism. The thought swirled around in my head: "No one's gonna wanna become an atheist if they see that it hasn't cured all your ails." So I didn't write. Yes, I know. It's fucked up.
I realized though this morning that that was completely irrational. I'm not responsible for what anyone thinks of atheism or anything else for that matter. And I'm human. I suffer from depression. This is part of my life for the time being. I can only be where I am. And so it is.