Friday, December 29, 2006

Another Wretched Night...

Even with the help of Mother Pharmaceutical I'm still having trouble sleeping. My brain buzzes with thoughts and ideas and worries and dreams and nightmares and songs. Yes, songs. Have you ever noticed the soundtrack that plays in your head. It's like I've had an Ipod surgically implanted into my brain stem. No matter how much chatter, or how little chatter for that matter, is going on in my head, there is still room for a song to play over and over again. Last night it was an 80's pop song by "Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam" called "Head to Toe". Why my amygdala decided that one was worth storing is beyond me.

So I'm lying in bed. This song is playing like the needle's stuck and my heart is racing like I've just climbed 10 flights of stairs. My brain fixates on some thoughts which swirl around and around in some cerebral cat and mouse game. I wish I were dead. All I want is to sleep. Sweet, glorious sleep. To sleep perchance to dream. Finally my prayer to the God of somnolence is answered.

I enter my first of many vivid dreams that night. Active dreams. Dreams where I wake up more tired than I was before it all started. I dream of conflict and escape. I'm running but not getting anywhere. There are people, some I know, some seem strange to me. And of course there's still some song setting the scene in the background.

As far back as I can remember most of my dreams have centered around a desperate search for something, usually relief of some sort. Often I've gotta pee so bad and can't find a washroom. Or I do and the door only reaches my knees. Or it's on a stage and everyone is watching.

When I was a child, I had this recurring dream where I was being chased by a giant spider through a department store. I couldn't just run away though because for some reason I was naked and had to make my way to safety while hiding under one clothing rack after another, so I wouldn't be seen by the spider or anyone else. Oh Freud, where art thou?

Sometimes I'm looking for sexual relief in my dreams. And yet, at the age of 32, I've never had sex in my dreams. Never. Whenever I get really close there is always some kind of interruption. Earlier in my life, it was usually my mother. (Gee, no surprise there. She ruined most of my fun for the first 30 years of my life.) Now, it's strangers who come and knock on my door just as I'm about to get it on. In last night's dream I was with Paolo Coelho, famous writer of The Alchemist. We were just getting snuggly when some neighbors pop by his house, without calling I might add, to say hello. I mean really, even the people in my dreams are ignorant bastards. Geesh.

So I awake to yet another day filled with frustration. Exhausted, slightly horny and quite frankly, filled with an angst and anger that seems odd for so early in the day. And I wonder what to do with the hours that lie ahead of me. All I really want to do is sleep in the hopes that maybe just maybe I'll find what I'm looking for.

tall penguin


matt said...

Sorry for posting so much; like I said, I would read your posts! Anyway, this post REALLY caught my eye.

It's so interesting to see posts like these from another person's perspective, and yet the pattern is shown to repeat.

Over the last two or so years, I've the nail on the head just as I have had.

Many of my lucid or active dreams can be sexual in nature, but there is never a finish. Never a successful sexual dream. I figured this must be the case for most people. But then later, I realized that maybe even in my dreams, I have a built in defense mechanism that kicks me into God mode?

Although I feel I am open sexually, I grew up in a strict (in a sexual sense) family that looked down upon any sort of genital observation. (As with all JWs)

The conflict, I believe, is taught by our parents, and ultimately by our fear in God; to such a point that it is embedded in us clearly down to the unconscious desires -- where our sexual feelings also mingle. Quite a paradox!

The sexual tension in JWs is absurd, but I make no claims of understanding sexuality at any level beyond common sense.

Thank god(hehe) for Psychology class.

As far as music is concerned, sometimes I still hear those Kingdom Melodies. And boy do they annoy me. :)

It seems you have had a lot of the same experiences as I in the deconversion stage -- I seriously think this would be a great research project. To take a ton of different ex-JW's, and to see the patterns in each persons outting. Their sexuality -- the conflicts, the observations and memories through life. The depression and thoughts of suicide. The blind beliefs with no logic. The irrationality of a leap in faith. The personal communication with Jehovah. It would be a great book. Eventually I want to do it! As a kind of survivor's guide to the Ex-JW side of things.

Then again, not all JWs left "the truth" for intellectual reasons. XD

Also, I hope you don't think I'm targetting just the sexuality posts. :P

matt said...

eep, "Over the last two or so years, I've the nail on the head just as I have had" <- that was a mix of two thoughts smashed into one. What I meant to say is that my observations over the last two years or so have me trying to understand why I've have sexual frustrations in a psychological sense, and that you're post showed such a repeat in pattern.

tall penguin said...

Since I wrote that, I'm getting closer to climax in my dreams but damn it, I still haven't made it there. Can you believe that? Lucky, little 15 year old boys are havin' wet dreams every night but this almost 34 year old penguin still has yet to have a dreamgasm. Not fair!

Don't even get me started on those Kingdom Melodies. I still catch them floating through my head on occasion.

I think the deconversion is similar but not the same for those who leave. From what I've seen, it depends on how invested they were in the cult, how deeply they believed it, how much they lost in leaving and what their experience was while they were there. Not to mention basic psychological profile as well.

And you can target any posts you like matt. ;)

matt said...

Maybe no one ever reaches climax in a dream? I started asking my friends about their experiences, and the consensus so far is that they do not!

Okay, so maybe it's not just a JW/cult paradox -- but maybe an intolerance and fear of being rejected. Or just a normal phenomenon. If we reached climax in dreams, where's the point in finding it in real life? I'd sleep all day. :D

From my classes/study in psychology a dream is a replay of what you would do in that situation, so that your mind can slowly change what you would do in reality. Even my psychology professor said that those are the kind of dreams that never finish. :(

I recall having them even before puberty though. Like I said, a latent sexual desire at a very young age. No parent/child sexual abuse though, I guess I was just never told enough that it was a nasty thing to do. :D

Child sexuality will never be studied in the current witch hunt-pedophile society we live in, but maybe it's for the best.

However, the way children are being sexualized these days -- or in other words, growing in a more and more sexually advertised world -- it may be good to know and educate why children could *actually* have sexual feelings.

Kingdom Melodies -- proof of indoctrination. :D

tall penguin said...

Intereting matt. I'd be curious to hear some other people's feedback on this. Do they orgasm in their dreams? I'll have to do more research. Fascinating.